I Hate This Part Right Here.

Sometimes, I think people have a hard time understanding just how difficult it can be to be a blogger. Sure, you can be that random asshole who blogs about what Paris Hilton wore the night before at some douchebags’ party or the exact measurements of Britney Spears’ vaginal cavity.

But, to blog about yourself in a complete raw and honest manner..takes alot of courage. Not because of what a random stranger might think about something you say, but because of what the people you care about might think. Because of what the people that know you, and see you on a regular basis will say to you, think of you. What rumors will spread. How far the truth will go.

Sometimes it’s hard because you never know the levels of respect that you’ll gain. Worse than that is you never know the levels of respect you’ll forfeit.

I’ve learned that two of the hardest things in the world are closely related. One is to vocalize the things that you are ashamed of. It’s difficult to look at someone and tell them of your mistakes. It’s hard to visualize their disappointment. It’s hard to feel it, hear it, or worse yet know that they feel it, but stand there as they pretend it’s not there.

The second thing is to not vocalize the things you are ashamed of. I think it’s excruciating to hide the things that make up who you are, or who you’ve become. Wehter they are things you just don’t want everyone talking about, or whether they’re things you’d prefer noone knew at all.

I find it hard. It’s hard to be in a position where you’re in either of these situations. At least, for me.

I stand on my soap-box and I pretend I’m a person who is honest and upfront. One who is an open book, and makes no attempts to hide or cover up the mistakes I make.  There’s a strong case to be made for that whole “the mistakes you make comprise the person that you are”, thing.  Meaning, without them, I’m not me. I’m someone else. I’m the guy you pass at the grocery store. I’m the lady folding her clothes in the laundromat.  I’m anyone. Anyone but the guy sitting infront of this computer, typing these words.

For the past few months, I guess that statement is one hundred percent accurate. I’ve been anyone, everyone. Anything, but who I am. The actions I’ve made, or  haven’t made, the decisions I’ve accredited to being sad, or in a bad place, or whatever, have led me to a place where I’m unrecognizable. I’m undistinguished. Unfamiliar.

Somewhere along the rollercoaster that has been the last few months, I’ve become a person I once swore I’d never be. I morphed into a person I could never be proud of. One I have hard a very hard time being okay with.

I’ve been a walking contradiction. A complete different member of society than I’ve pretended to me. A whole other entity than I’ve claimed.

I guess to fully explain the whole thing I’d have to start from the beginning, and I don’t feel it’s a very important part of the reason I’m blogging. I’m not here, to describe my entrie emotional journey.

 But I am here to share my story. It has made me everything I am. My moments of success, and my moments of defeat. My greatest accolades, and my my largest regrets. They are me, and I’m not the kind of person that shys away from either of them.

I stand at my highest, and I stand at my lowest.

I told someone that I would write this blog, because I own up to my mistakes. I admit my faults. I encourage others to speak for themselves when they faulter (sp?)

For the past several months, I’ve dealt with a cocaine addiction. It’s a part of me that I can’t pretend didn’t happen.  I can only learn from it, and forge forward with a changed attitude.

I’m sure alot people have known this. I’m sure alot of people have not. It’s not not something I’m particularly proud to list on my blog. But, it’s something that I’m not going to sweep under some metaphorical rug, and pretend was not a problem.

I was addicted. I did it alot, and I’m currently dealing with the repercussions of it.

I’ve been completely clean for awhile now. Not a long while, but long enough that I can say I’ve quit. I’ve had several opportunities to do it again, and I’ve refused.

As far as I’m concerned, I’m going to keep refusing. Even if that means I have to forfeit some of the so-called friendships I have, it’s a fair bargaining price for my well-being.

It’s incredibly difficult to come clean when you make mistakes like these. But, I take the shame like an adult. It was always my decision. I was never pressured. It was just me, looking for an escape from whatever problem I was dealing with. Along the escape route, I found that it was causing more problems than it was relieving.

And, in one moment, I found myself soaking in the bathtub, bawling like a schoolgirl because I somehow found my life in complete disarray.

Alot changed. From the moment I started using, til the moment I stopped. And, not all of those changes are regrettable.

And, now that I’m handing my problems head on, I refuse to continue to make the same mistakes, or allow others to make mistakes that I’m responsible for.

So, while I struggle to pull myself up from the bottom, (where I landed due to my irresponsibility) I am forced to make grown up decisions that some people can’t appreciate.

Unfortunately for a close friendship of mine, that means that I will be parting ways with my roomate. (or…he’ll be parting ways with me) We’ve had alot of problems, most of which circled around him quitting his job and having no money, and relying on me to pay the bills. Since my money was going up my nose, I know find myself in a position where I have no roomate to help, and my resources are looooow.

But, it’s a challenge that I can get through. And, once I’m through it, I can add it to my list of achievements.

It is devastating to look at your place in life and see how badly you fucked things up. But, on the flip side of that, it’s encouraging to know that you’ll make it. And when you do, you don’t have to thank anyone, because you did it yourself.

So, with all that said, I guess what I’m saying is this.

Three months ago, I was a cokehead. A month ago, I was a cokehead.

Two weeks ago, I might have been a cokehead.

But, I’m not a cokehead anymore.

And, the only proof I have of that, is that I’m writing this in the first place. Only after the fact can you really tackle the problem. And, they say one of the first steps is admitting you have one.

If you’ve lost respect for me, I understand. But, my mistakes fall on noones’ shoulders but my own. They’re no lessor or greater than those of anyone reading this.

I don’t owe anything to anyone but myself. No explanations. No apologies. Nothing.

But, I’ve offered them to myself. I regret my choices, and all I can do is carry them with me as I carry myself through the whole debacle.

It’s not easy. But, I’m alot stronger than I’ve allowed most people to be privy to.

I am no longer someone who uses cocaine. And, I’m proud to say that.  My guilt once consumed me. And, now I’m no longer ashamed of the mistake.

I definitely learned from the experience. And it has led to me this exact moment. Perhaps it was what I needed to go through, to reach where I’m at, and where I’m going.

Finally, I’ll say this. If you do something you aren’t happy with, but find yourself stuck in the circle of doing it and not knowing how to get out of it, I suggest seeking the harsh reality that can only be offered by a dear friend, and yourself. If you realize you have a problem, you’re one step closer towards changing. And,if you can get that far, you are further that alot of people ever get. Good luck with the rest of the way.

Your Lucky Letters are: F and U

I didn’t eat chinese food until I was 20 years old. And, at that point it was only Sweet N Sour Chicken.

After getting close with my ex-roomates mom, I experimented more with different vegetables and would now venture to say that chinese food is probably one of my favorite foods. (However, I’m not talented enough to figure the whole….chopsticks thing out)

If you’re anything like me, you find joy in the simple things.

So, the most enjoyable part of chinese food for me, is the fortune cookie. Not because it’s anything amazing, but because it’s simple.

You crack it open, you scarf it down, and you get a fun little fortune to read.  It’s a gimmick, and I enjoy it whole-heartedly.

Whenever you get a fortune cookie, its typical that you read it aloud to those people that are around you. Occasionally, if it’s one of those things where the universe is all aligned and you happen to get a fortune that hits the nail on the head, you might spend several small chit-chats talking about how weird it was that your fortune was so exact.

How ironic is it, that the little piece of paper in that little cookie that tastes like butter and air….perfectly describes my particular mood, or a certain circumstance I find myself in.

Sometimes, the fortune is vague, yet you as an individual can search hard enough to find some sort of debacle in your life that it pertains to. IT’s what we do with most things like this.

Psychic readings, horoscopes. Things like that.

So, the other day, when I ordered chinese food, my excitement level rised a bit when they included not one, but TWO fortune cookies.

It’s like a two-day fortune cookie affair.

So, I ate my beef with mixed vegetables. (reluctantly..I was immediately saddened that there were mushrooms included..but I picked them out even though mushrooms are typically an automatic dismissal if they’re in something im eating)

About two hours later, I go back for my fortune cookie. Open it.

Break it.

Eat one half.

Read the fortune.

 

Now, immediately after reading a fortune, if you’re anything like me…You’ll add “in bed”  to the end, just because it’s what you do.

But, not this time.

The fortune was so stupid. So …absolutely ridiculous, that this wasn’t an option.

I read it again, and said “um..wtf kinda fortune is this”

And, have since read it to every person that’s been to my house.

Noone understands my grievance.

They agree that, it’s the stupidest fortune ever put into a fortune cookie.

But, while I rant and rave in front of them over it, they look at me, like I’m a lunatic.

“its…just a fortune cookie nick”

It’s not just a fortune cookie. It’s the point.

You read a fortune cookie, expecting some sort of something.

A small glimmer of optimism. A warning of something ahead that may require you to modify your usual actions and reactions.

Something.

Anything.

 

Instead. This, is what my fortune cookie said.

 

“The food here taste so good, even a cave man likes it”

 

………

What… the fuck….kind of fortune…..is that….

 

?!!

I flipped it over, in case maybe it was a trick, and there was something better on the other side. But, to my dismay. No.

That, is my fortune.

I won’t even go into my initial thing, which was “why cant they say TASTES so good,   not taste so good.”

Or,

“um….cavemen didn’t really have alot of options. so…that doesn’t make sense. Basically yer saying, our food tastes good, but even the least picky person in the history of man, ever…would eat here.

It’s ridiculous.

And, if there was some sort of organization of little asian men who gather together in their little asian man suits, at little asian made tables, discussing over asian cuisine what they should write in their fucking fortune cookies…I’d write them and tell them exactly how unhappy I am.

 

Clearly they don’t realize just how lame my life is, and dont take into consideration how dependent soooome people are on these little fortune cookie fortunes.

I’m outraged!

HMPF!

 

lol.

Getting Started

So,  I’ve decided to ditch my blog on blogger.com, basically because I had some stupid drama witha  virus and myspace, and it wasn’t letting me link the two different sites together. However, with recent changes in my life, it seems fitting to change my blog also. I’m going to be blogging real soon about actual things, this is just one of those “getting started” kinda blogs so that it isn’t a complete blank canvas.

We’ll see how it goes I guess.