“Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.”
-Abraham Lincoln-
I’m not typically the kind of person that lets other peoples’ words get to me. I’ve got a pretty hard exterior, and I’ve been through enough in my life, that I’ve just grown particularly strong against the methods people use to attack someone with.
I don’t usually get affected by things that people think about me, or rumors that people spread. It’s not often that much more than a dirty look is given when someone says something that might hurt most peoples’ feelings.
However, every so often something hits me the wrong way. Maybe I’m having a bad day, or I’m over sensitive at that particular moment. Maybe I’ve had too much to drink, or just happened to let my guard down for a minute or two, and someone was lucky enough to squeak one in on me.
Last night was that time. I was pretty buzzed, and in a really great mood. I was having a really good time, and actually can’t remember a time recently that I’ve been in a better mood at work. Which, is strange because we were dead, I wasn’t making anything, and usually that’s when a bitch gets pissed off and moody.
This particular person, is someone who shares a different sort of relationship with me. We tend to compliment each other with insults. It’s just how we work. It’s the basic mechanics of our friendship. Sometimes, the both of us can go a little further than we should, but we’re usually able to reign in it, and get along fine by the time the evening is over.
Tonight, this person was wasted. They told my boyfriend how much they love him, then said that they don’t like me.
At first, it didn’t really bother me. Then, after saying it a second time, it kinda hit me.
It’s like….look bitch. I don’t need you to like me. I don’t really even care if you like me. I’ll sleep the same at the end of the night regardless. But, if you don’t like me….then get the fuck out of my boyfriends’ car and get someone else to take your ass home.
Because if you don’t like me, you can sure as hell bet I’m not gonna waste my time liking you either.
When the lines of drunken ramblings, and truth personified become blurred and one can no longer tell if you’re just trying to be funny and joke around, or if your real feelings are coming out…..it doesn’t really feel that fun.
I can be a bitch of the grandest kind, but I also happen to think that I’m a pretty great friend to those that I consider that term to apply to.
Maybe I took it all too personally, sure.
I guess there’s just this part of me that wears down. I spend alot of my time pretending to be tougher than I am. Wearing armor that weighs me down, just incase someone wants to engage me. Being on the offensive, or the defensive, instead of just enjoying myself. Being too worried about being strong, or vulnerable.
My walls go up, and they stay up for most of the time. And, I guess sometimes I just get annoyed with myself for being the kind of person that always has to feel protected against some way in which another person can hurt me. So much, that it’s actually turned me into the type of person that gets looked at as mean, or cunty.
Sure, I’m good at it, but it’s not really the whole of me. Somewhere underneath all the sarcasm and bitchiness is a really great person. And, I wish more people got to see that.
But, the wheels of life just haven’t rolled that way. It took a different path and the guy most people get to see isn’t this really nice guy.
However, I do expect the people I call friends to acknowledge every once in awhile that I’m more than just a crappy person.
And, if they haven’t learned that, and feel the need to dislike me. Then, I’m okay with it. I don’t need anyone any more than they need me.
If ya don’t like me….then…don’t bother me. I’d rather not be the type of person that smiles to your face, while biting my lip to keep my thoughts in. Save us both the trouble and ….quite simply….leave me the fuck alone.
I don’t need to be liked. But, I do feel like I deserve to be respected.
And, I think that’s what bothered me the most.
