“The only way to have a friend is to be one. ” -Ralph Waldo Emerson-
I’ve never really been great with friendships.
I’ve had friends. I’ve had great friends. I still have great friends.
But, it’s never really an area I prospered in.
I’m too skeptical, or personal. It’s hard for me to relate to alot of people. I’m not sure if it has something to do with never going to high school or not. I never really had friends before that either. Maybe I moved around too much, or just wasn’t able to open up to people. Maybe I was dealin with some sort of inner struggle that I didn’t even realize I was going through, that prevented me from really being myself. Or comfortable. Or something.
I’ve always been that person that seemed more concerned with relationships than friendships. And, after some pretty shitty relationships I’ve learned that that wasn’t the right way to go. Unfortunately, you can’t really erase several years of bad relationships and fill the void with these amazing lifelong friendships.
I don’t know if I’m unable to sustain a friendship on “best friend” level or not. I’m not sure if my inadequacies lie with being too selfish, or not selfish enough. Whether it’s my inability to bite my tongue, or my tendency to want to only look out for myself. While not my intent, it’s just natural that way.
I’ve always hard one really good friend. Or two. That’s not an exact number, just a point. I associate myself heavily with a small group of people. I get really close to them select few, and remain mildly distant towards everyone else. Like, there’s a quota in the the friendships category and once I’ve reached it, there’s room for no more.
Eventually something happens, or doesn’t happen. And the group alters. Eventually you find yourself as a whole new person, in a whole new circle. Vaguely remembering things you had in common, or didnt have in common, with people that you merely offer a wave of the hand, when it used to be something more.
I’m sure some reason is that I’m just an insecure person. I find opening up to people a vulnerable thing. And, I’m not particularly fond of sharing my vulnerabilities. Maybe I feel threatened.
I’m not sure if I keep people at a distance just because I’m not really that used to getting too close, or if I just don’t want them to be close. Like I don’t want to expose my own little kryptonites or whatever.
Sometimes, it makes me wonder. Is it just the way things are made, or is it just the way I’ve manufactured them.
I’m usually not a very softy nicey kind of guy. I used to be. Kinda. More so than now. Maybe I’ve become slightly bitter and angsty. I can definitely see a difference. Not that I’m angry, I’m just….over it. I’ve learned more. I understand more. And instead of sitting there pretending something isn’t what it is, I just say fuck it, and get something else.
Sometimes, I fuck up too.
I’m not really good at being the nice friend. The caring, thoughtful guy, who can always say the right thing. That’s not me. I’m the guy that’s gonna keep it real for you. I’m gonna give you the good and the bad. The whole, not the half. The hard truth, the entire truth, and often times, the painful truth.
I’m also the kind of guy that speaks without regard.
So…people don’t know how to take me.
Am I really an asshole? Or just misunderstood. Taken the wrong way. Misinterpreted.
Sure, I’m harsh. I can light a bitch up. And, I’m not the kinda guy to sugar coat anything. If there’s one thing I’ve learned….people seek the truth, but can’t handle the truth.
People often say they can’t really read me. They don’t know how to take me.
I guess I can see that. I don’t know how to take myself sometimes.
I could go over it a gazillion times, and I wouldn’t get any closer.
The “why do I suck so much at maintaining friendships” question could never really be answered. I’m just a riddle wrapped in an puzzle, wrapped in an enigma. Wrapped in some strawberry jelly, wearing a pitbull mask.
It’s gotta be some sort of insecurity….But my psych0-analysis of myself is winding down. I’m tired.
My whole reason for this blog, is I randomly started thinking of someone.
Someone I care about, but I hurt.
For whatever reason, my big mouth, my short temper, my tendency to put on my bitch hat before my thinking cap.
Or, just my routine of not thinking of someone else and how something will affect them.
I basically, got angry at several things, and exploded. Everything was pent up, and instead of handling it properly, I handled it improperly. I sunk my teeth into someone, that I shouldn’t have.
I’ve been trying to find the right time or way to say I’m sorry. But, it’s never really been my thing. I’ve always been good at saying it. But never really that good at meaning it.
The whole debacle has been one I wish I could take back. Or at least alter. Be a little more cautious. A little more caring. A little more kind.
This person was a really close friend. And, the only reason it hasn’t been that way, is because of me. It’s strange when you realize a friendship is over. When you’ll never hang out again, or share deep conversation.
It’s also strange when you realize that it isn’t over. When you realize that you messed up, and you feel remorseful.
You wish you knew the right words to use. The right look to give. The right moment to make up.
I’m not really the best at all that shit. I’m just good at whatever it is I’m good at. Being real. Being the best possible person that I can be. Standing up for what I believe in, being true to myself. And, remaining humble, and grounded. I guess I’m just good at being me. Even if that isn’t always the greatest thing. It’s flawed, anyway.
I guess I just wanted that person to know that I’m sorry. It doesn’t matter if I’ve said it, and if we’ve “put it past us”. It’s the elephant in the room. Even when I’m in a room by myself.
I don’t like to hurt people. Especially people that wouldn’t hurt me.
It’s been awhile since this person and I have really been close.
I guess I just wanted to let that person know that I am sorry for the mistakes. The mishandling. The douchebaggery.
I haven’t felt right about it since, and I just wanted to point out that I was wrong, and I’d like to take the steps towards changing that.
I haven’t always been the greatest with friendships. But, I’ve always had some of the greatest ones.
And, I don’t want to throw another one away, just because I made some bad choices.
And, I made some really bad choices.
So, for what it’s worth. I’m really sorry. I love you. And, I do really miss you.
You know who ya is.
