Tonight I seen two different people that I’m friends with. Not the closest of friends, not the furthest of friends. Not the kind you speak to regularly, but the ones you recall fondly. Ones’ that while you may not know what is going on with each other on a day to day or week to week basis, but you see occasionally, are glad you got to see them, and remember when you used to see them more.
In this case, both of them reminded me of another friend. One that unfortunately passed away almost two years ago.
It’s strange the way you grieve over a person. You get all sad, you remember the times you spent, the moments you shared. You get angry, you wonder what it’s gonna be like without them. And, you…just feel like…you just lost someone important to you.
Then, eventually you’re able to put it past you. You think about them less. You stop thinking of the moments, because it’s too depressing. So you try to just push it aside. And you do. You’re fine. You’re sad. You miss them. But you’re fine.
And then one person, at one moment….randomly….out of the blue…and everything rushes back.
You remember everything you tried to forget, or get past, or move on from. Every memory you kept close to you. Every one far, and in between.
You remember losing them all over again. And, getting over it. You feel bad. Because you’ve inadvertently blocked a person from your memory. And you still miss them.
It’s pretty shitty.
I had that tonight.
It was wonderful to see the people I hadn’t seen in awhile. But, it also reminded me of someone that I won’t ever see again. At least, not in this state of being.(??)
You’re grateful for the people that you still have around you. The old friends you cherish, the new ones you meet along the way. And the one’s developing all around you at every moment.
But it never seems quite the same as ones you’ve lost. Whether because of an arguement, or a fight. Whether your bff done went and fucked your man, raped your kid, stole your cat, ate your last nutty bar, pissed all over your face while you were sleeping or a confidant simply passed away, moved away, or stopped getting you in general….there’s always a part of you that misses that. A part of you that clings to that memory. A part of you that holds that higher than the rest, because it’s the unattainable, the unchangeable. The set in stone. It’s what it was, and that’s all that it can ever be.
It sucks losing people. It’s sucha shitty part of life. To grow attached to people, to love them with some, any, and all of your being. And, then lose them. It’s the fucking worst.
It’s the Rebecca Black of life. If you don’t know who that is, look her up, then you’ll know…I mean that it is the complete worst. The shittiest. The fucking dumps.
Sure, you can only do your best. You try to do your best at moving on. And you do. You have to. You need to. You do.
And everyone’s always like you have to accept it, and deal with it, and blah blah fuckin blah.
But, sometimes there’s just gotta be someone that says fuck that shit. I don’t want to accept it. I fucking know that I have to….but I don’t want to.
I guess that’s me today.
There are certain people I miss more than anything. Scott. Angie. Stacie. My grandmother. A list of people I’v emet and lost in some way or another.
And for whatever reason, I guess this blog is just my cynical little way of remembering them. Missing them. Loving them.
I guess that’s how I’d want it. If you can’t remember me often, remember me fondly. If ya can’t do that either, then call a spade a spade and say I miss that fucking cunt. God he was a fucking dickhead…but I loved that dickhead. He was my fucking dickhead.
That’s what I want it to be like when I’m not around.
Regardless, I got off topic. (I do that) My whole point is just…it sucks when you lose people. But, it also sucks to remember the people you’ve lost…after you tried to get it out of your mind. Cuz then you miss them, and feel like a crappy person for trying to forget about them too.
But, it’s what you do. It’s part of the process. Evnetually…You remember them, you miss them. And you don’t have to try to block it out. Because, all you want to do is remember them.
